At the risk of sounding like a rather sad 50-something divorcee who spent Valentine’s night binge-watching Amandaland with two dogs, a cat and a packet of Minstrels for company (top night in), I’m growing weary of the incessant social media assaults by what Bridget Jones and her friends used to call ‘smug marrieds’.
Fair enough, Valentine’s Day always brings out the worst in this respect, but even outside the parameters of this annual cliched Clinton-card cringe-fest, there seems to be a terrible surfeit of celebrity SMs around at the moment.
They’re all over the internet, tenderly gazing into each other’s eyes, nibbling each other’s noses, nestling on each other’s shoulders, clasping hands in moonish adoration: the array of PDAs (public displays of affection) is nauseating and seemingly endless.
Chief culprits are, of course, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex – although to be fair, the Prince and Princess of Wales have been trailing a close second of late. But also, and in no particular order, the Beckhams, the Obamas, the young Beckhams, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce (not married, of course, but inveterate PDA-ers): all intent on reminding us how perfect they are together.
Their happiness is so intense, so bountiful, so overflowing, they cannot help but share it with the rest of the world. It’s a selfless act of generosity, really, a kindly gesture to brighten and inspire those of us shivering on the cold steppes of singledom. Hurrah for them.
Except it’s not really, is it? It’s nothing of the sort. It is in fact the ultimate in narcissistic coupledom, the notion that together they represent something uniquely special, and that therefore it is incumbent upon them to issue constant updates, lest we accidentally forget how much better they are at love – and life in general – than the rest of us. Even in the act of ‘sharing’, it is all about them.
The Duchess of Sussex is particularly prone to this delusion. We have seen her over the course of the past week in full PDA mode.
There was a notably good one at the Invictus Games in which she was captured clasping Prince Harry’s bicep, head on his shoulder, like a beauty queen at a high-school soccer game (she’s 43); another in which she was gazing up him adoringly as he made some doubtless thrilling pronouncement, and another where she was pictured grabbing his face with both hands, planting a Hollywood-style kiss on him, clearly aimed at the cameras.
Meghan and Prince Harry in the photo that she posted on social media for Valentine’s Day
And why not? After all, she’s got her own Montecito version of The Good Life to promote – what better opportunity than a tournament for wounded military veterans to enhance her status as the perfect wife and mother?
For Valentine’s Day, she upped the ante. On her newly re-launched Instagram page, her devoted public was treated to a stylish black-and-white photograph of the pair ‘smissing’, that studied half-smile, half-kiss celebrities do when they want to convey affection, but not in a messy or unsightly way.
Cupping Harry’s chin tenderly, eyes closed, head tilted upwards: the perfect PDA, about as disingenuous as the caption that accompanied it. ‘My love, I will eat burgers & fries and fish & chips with you forever. Thank you for you,’ she wrote. Nonsense: those chips on her plate have clearly not been touched.
There are, of course, times when couples rightly want to express their devotion to each other: weddings, anniversaries, birthdays, other significant occasions. The Prince and Princess of Wales, for example, having always been reticent about indulging in too many PDAs, were filmed frolicking in the Norfolk dunes last year, to the surprise of many (not least Princess Charlotte, who can be seen pulling a classic ‘Ew, Mum, Dad – gross’ face in the footage).
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But that was in the wake of a very difficult time for them both, and so it felt authentic – as did the still from that film they released to mark Valentine’s Day, the Prince clasping her hand while kissing her devotedly on the cheek.
Still, there are some who will say, why? After all, it’s not like they need the clicks. They are members of the Royal Family, not influencers. Unlike the Sussexes – or for that matter the Beckhams – they are not trying to build a commercial brand, they have nothing to sell.
Besides, there is always the danger that all this smooching can come across as rather performative, a little bit staged, as though it were hiding something.
Not only that, but it can also get up people’s noses. It’s not that you’re not happy for them, or that you don’t want them to succeed where perhaps you might have failed (or not yet succeeded), it’s just that perfection in most forms is tiresome, but never more than in human beings. Not least because it’s a fiction.
There is no such thing as the perfect marriage. Even the best suited couples face challenges, and some don’t always clear the hurdles, however much they try.
It’s nice to see people happy together, of course, it always is. But there’s something about couples who are endlessly trumpeting their devotion to each other that gets on the nerves, in the same way that bragging about your children’s achievements or talking about how much the value of your house has risen is boring, not to mention impolite.
To love and be loved is a rare and precious thing, one that not everyone gets to experience. If you’re one of the lucky ones, by all means be happy, be grateful, be full of joy. But don’t, whatever you do, be smug.
Musk’s mini-me
I don’t know much about Elon Musk’s four-year-old, X, pictured last week telling Donald Trump to shut up and picking his nose in the Oval Office – but I do know about raising children.
And one thing I’ll say for sure: if someone doesn’t set that child some boundaries soon, he’s going to grow up to be a total delinquent. Much like his father.
Elon Musk’s four-year-old son X pictured last week picking his nose in the Oval Office
Larry the cat celebrates 14 years as chief mouser at Downing Street. He’s seen off six prime ministers and seven chancellors.
An impressive CV – unlike the current occupant of No 11, who’s been having quite a spot of bother with hers. Could Larry be about to add an eighth to his list?
Keir Starmer is just wrong when he says farmers are ‘some of the wealthiest’ people in the country. The average farmer’s salary is around £28,000 – for working all hours, in all weathers, and that’s if they’re lucky.
By contrast, Aslef train drivers are now paid on average £69,000 a year, thanks to this Government’s appeasement of its union paymasters.